Garden hoses fear me . . .
This past summer, I found myself in the gardening aisle of the nearest mega-store, apologizing to a lawn sprinkler.
Because I decided to buy it.
Some people take their frustrations out on other people, or dogs, or dinnerware drawers (true story—my friend rattles the utensil drawer when she is angry; she has the dizziest flatware on the planet).
I tend to take mine out on garden tools.
When the sprinkler head doesn’t stay in the position I put it in, preferring instead to go with the roll of the hose and bury its face in the lawn, I tend to get a bit peeved. This is when bits of lawn sprinklers find themselves in odd places in the yard.
I have thrown sprinklers and tools against the fence so many times, the neighbor’s big bad guard dogs are afraid of me.
I actually kind of like that.
I really, really dislike hoses. I don’t care what kind of rosy guarantees are on the package when you buy a new hose, they all end up the same—rubbery-smelling, kinked up lengths of greenish tubing. And the longer it sits in the yard, the worse it gets. There is no cooperation when I want to go water anything; the stupid green monster just chokes off the water in a kink.
Being who I am, unwilling to let an inanimate object get the upper hand, I will stand there and twirl the hose, trying to unkink it. It doesn’t work, and I have to go fix the kink at the source, but it doesn’t keep me from trying to fix the problem the same way the next time—which is generally five minutes later, eight if I’m lucky.
Pulling the hose to get at the furthest item in my yard is also an adventure. As in, what will I break today because the idjit thing decided to wrap itself around something? I tried to pull down the grill one time—didn’t work, which is a good thing, because dinner was being cooked. I got the burgers good and wet, though. That’ll teach…something to, um, something. I guess.
Yes, we have a sprinkler system. It’s called Me.
Oh, you mean a built-in or a drip system that you can BUY. And INSTALL. Yes, we have one of those, too. It’s in the garage, still in pieces in a plastic bag. Has been for years. Want to buy a drip system? Real cheap?
So, this year I had to go and get a new sprinkler head, because the other two have scarpered off, and I have yet to find them.
They should have heard the threats I gave the new foliage clippers I recently bought. That would have really scared them!
Thanks again to Kathy Ree for her guest post on how garden hoses fear her.