Garden Hoses Fear Me

Garden hoses fear me . . . 

This past summer, I found myself in the gardening aisle of the nearest mega-store, apologizing to a lawn sprinkler. 

Because I decided to buy it.

Some people take their frustrations out on other people, or dogs, or dinnerware drawers (true story—my friend rattles the utensil drawer when she is angry; she has the dizziest flatware on the planet). 

I tend to take mine out on garden tools. 

When the sprinkler head doesn’t stay in the position I put it in, preferring instead to go with the roll of the hose and bury its face in the lawn, I tend to get a bit peeved. This is when bits of lawn sprinklers find themselves in odd places in the yard.

I have thrown sprinklers and tools against the fence so many times, the neighbor’s big bad guard dogs are afraid of me. 

I actually kind of like that.

I really, really dislike hoses. I don’t care what kind of rosy guarantees are on the package when you buy a new hose, they all end up the same—rubbery-smelling, kinked up lengths of greenish tubing. And the longer it sits in the yard, the worse it gets. There is no cooperation when I want to go water anything; the stupid green monster just chokes off the water in a kink. 

garden hoses fear me


Being who I am, unwilling to let an inanimate object get the upper hand, I will stand there and twirl the hose, trying to unkink it. It doesn’t work, and I have to go fix the kink at the source, but it doesn’t keep me from trying to fix the problem the same way the next time—which is generally five minutes later, eight if I’m lucky.

Pulling the hose to get at the furthest item in my yard is also an adventure. As in, what will I break today because the idjit thing decided to wrap itself around something? I tried to pull down the grill one time—didn’t work, which is a good thing, because dinner was being cooked. I got the burgers good and wet, though. That’ll teach…something to, um, something. I guess.

Yes, we have a sprinkler system. It’s called Me.

Oh, you mean a built-in or a drip system that you can BUY. And INSTALL. Yes, we have one of those, too. It’s in the garage, still in pieces in a plastic bag. Has been for years. Want to buy a drip system?  Real cheap?

So, this year I had to go and get a new sprinkler head, because the other two have scarpered off, and I have yet to find them.


They should have heard the threats I gave the new foliage clippers I recently bought.  That would have really scared them!

Thanks again to Kathy Ree for her guest post on how garden hoses fear her.

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  • Lucy Pireel

    Hahaha, that is a great post and true. I think I am there with you! Our hose never does what and where I want it to do what needs done and it keeps shrinking! Really it does!

  • Shirley Maya Tan

    FARNEE STUFF! With me, it’s mobile phones. The things I’d do to them…they just drive me nuts! See, just thinking about them makes me mad…I think I better go calm down ;p

    • AnotherCleanSlate

      I throw my cell phones too! So bad- much more expensive to replace!

      • Shirley Maya Tan

        I know right! Must find a better and cheaper way :)

  • William Kendall

    Every once in awhile, the neighbour guard dogs need to be put in their place, after all…

  • Phil Holtberg

    So glad I like in an apartment building in NYC. Haven’t used a garden hose in over 15 years. If I want to see grass I head to Central Park where someone else does the watering!

  • Lorelai Victoria

    Ugh! I can totally relate to your hatred of the dirty-gross-kinked-up-garden-snake people call a hose. I fought with one two weeks ago that popped its head off and sprayed me in the face and all down the front of me… sheer humiliation if the front yard for all the neighbors to see. Take charge, put hoses in their place, do it for the good of all mankind!

    following you on bloglovin’ and twitter

    Life With Lorelai