In no particular order, these are the people I’d like to meet (dead or alive, fiction or real). This isn’t by any means a complete list.
But only during a near death experience, because I’m not done here on earth. Thanks though. I would have a ton of questions and Jesus would be like, “Enough already!”
2. Authors Jen Lancaster (non-fiction) and Stacey Ballis (fiction).
These two are crazy funny. I would love to have lunch with both of them, while taking notes. I could learn a lot. I’d like to think that they could learn a lot from me, but that’s just wishful thinking. Stacey follows me on Twitter and followed my other blog before I switched to my new domain. She and I tried to get Jen to follow me too, but our efforts failed. Maybe I’ll start a campaign to bring them into my southern-drenched-redneck world. I won’t resort to kidnapping. Yet.
Note to Jen and Stacey: WRITE FASTER! I read through your books too fast. Yeah, they were that good, y’all!
Yeah, you heard me. But, I’d only like to meet him so I could ask him what he was thinking and then put fire crackers between his toes (and one up his ass), lighting them one-by-one. For the grand finale, I’d put him in a wooden box with thousands of angry wasps and bury him alive. I’d use a shovel, of course. I hate getting dirt under my finger nails. Because, you know, ew. Maybe Jen Lancaster would let me borrow her good whackin’ shovel. I’d let her borrow my good Sopranos-knee-whackin’-bat, so it’s all fair.
4. Jodi Picoult.
She’s one of my all-time favorite fiction authors (next to Stacey Ballis and Nicholas Sparks). Jodi’s writing always makes me think and then I wonder, “I wish I could write like that!” I’ve read all of her books except her new release, The Storyteller. My birthday is June 1st. Feel free to send me a copy.
Note to Jodi: WRITE FASTER too!
5. Nicholas Sparks.
Yes, he’s also one of my favorite authors. I’d like to let him know that I think he’s one of the few heterosexual men who thinks like he does. I’m mad at him at the moment though. Usually his books are released once a year in Sept/Oct, but last year was skipped. Did he ask me before he could take some time off? No! I know he’s been busy developing a new TV series, but that’s no excuse. Whatever. I think I know too much about him. I’m not a stalker, I swear.
6. Tony Soprano.
Because I could use the services he provides and I have a list of people that Karma has missed. We would be best friends.
7. Wyatt Earp.
So his badassery will rub off on me. We already have that, “won’t take any shit” attitude.
8. Jonathan Swift, author of Gulliver’s Travels (and other writings).
Because? What. The. F*ck? I’d like to ask him what drugs he was taking when he wrote that shit. I’d also like to kick the arse of my professor who made me read it.
9. Ellen Degeneres.
Because she’s silly and makes me laugh. She would probably be my second best friend. She would feel the same about me.
10. William Shakespeare.
He was a genius, even though he stole some ideas from others. I would teach him about plagiarism and he would teach me the fine art of “tragedy and comedy.”
11. Albert Einstein.
I’m sure I would be a fascinating student of his. Probably his favorite, without a doubt. Because I’d be able to demonstrate that mass x’s acceleration equals a swift kick in the ass for those Walmart thugs. We’d both be right.
12. Leonardo da Vinci.
Dude was not only a great artist, but an inventor as well. Although, I’m sure our friendship would be short-lived after he said to me, “I’ve developed this new flying machine. Hop on a give it a try. If you make it back alive, you can tell me all about it. If not, it was nice knowing you.”
13. Theresa Park, Literary Agent.
Because, well, she’ll just love my writing and insist on being my agent. I’d happily hand over 15% of the millions I’ve sold. Right? She’s also Nicholas Sparks’ agent, but I swear I’m not stalking him.
14. Sigmund Freud.
So that I can tell him that not everything is sexually symbolic (or phallic) and that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar (after I shove it up his ass).
15. Mariah Carey.
So I could slap the shit out of her.
Who would your like to meet and why? Don’t forget to answer the “why” part of the question. I’m curious.