How to Enhance Your Home Decor

 

…Redneck-style.

I’m sorry if y’all came here looking for the next Martha Stewart home decor tips, but this isn’t the proper platform for such nonsense. Since y’all visit often (thank you very much!), y’all came here for one thing: Southern Charm. I haz it and I’m happy to spread it ’round like a bale of hay on the barn floor! Manure is optional.

I know y’all are just clamoring to learn these techniques so that you can put ‘em to good use and become rednecks yerselves, so I’ll just cut to the chase.

Curb Appeal:

1.  We have to start with the exterior, because that’s what everyone sees first; therefore, packing your visitors with an awe-inspiring punch is key here. As I mentioned in 8 Ways to Surprise Your Redneck Valentine, cars (preferably rusty) resting atop cinder blocks is a great place to start. If you don’t have ‘em, get ‘em! Run on down to The Home Depot and pick up four of ‘em. If you are installing these from scratch (which would seriously be odd for a redneck), it’s unfortunate that the weeds won’t have time to grow around them, but don’t fret because that’ll happen soon enuff.

2.  If your chillun’s toys are strewn all over the yard, leave ‘em be. This will add additional color and warm the hearts of your guests. They also give the appearance of a, “lived in,” look.

3.  Listen up now, ya heah? Landscaping is just as important. I ain’t kiddin’ neither. Make sure you clean the rims of the toilet bowl flower planters that are scattered about the front yard. There’s no need to give off the impression that you live like a pig who’s been wallerin’ in the mud for three days. Wash off a day’s worth of dirt, because two day old mud will be just fine. The below photo is a bad example for two reasons: 1) the toilet bowl is entirely too clean to be an outdoorsy work of art; and, 2) no self-respectin’ redneck would have healthy lookin’ flowers planted in them.

toilet bowl flower planter home decor

Moving on…

4.  A beer can wind chime. This little doohickey can add a soothing musical ambiance to your front porch. These can also be doubled as a door bell. Two birds, one stone…that sorta thing. Why not?

Interior:

1.  Let’s start with the foyer that place where the front door is located. At least one shotgun should be present and propped up against the wall behind the door. It doesn’t have to shoot straight or even shoot at all. We’re just going for that, I’m-a-manly-redneck-and-I-don’t-’preciate-no-intruders look.

2.  As you escort your guests to the living area, some sort of velvet-y art wall hanging should be easily visible. Elvis or John Wayne is okay, but Willie Nelsen would be better. Just get whatever is on sale at the flea market. Here’s what to look for:

velvet willie nelson home decor

Bonus: iffin’ the wall hanging is autographed, it lets those city folk know that you’ve officially arrived!

3.  For you unmarried fellers out there, showin’ off your Truck Stop Hotties posters is an added bonus and not only gives the place a lived-in look, but also makes people think that you have a girlie-on-the-side that has added her own feminine touch to the place. Special How-to Tip o’ the Day: All you have to do is use duct tape (or staples) to hang them on the wall. 

4.  Neon beer signs just scream sophistication.

neon beer sign home decor

See what I mean? Don’t get the one’s that advertise that expensive beer neither. Also, if only half of the neon lights are working and the other half buzzes and flickers, the better!

5.  As for furniture, stick to designs and colors from the late 60′s or early to mid-70′s. Hues in rust or lime would be best. Matching cushions or throw pillows are optional.

6.  Tin can chandeliers. Need I say more? Just replace the cans out back sitting on the fence post (that you use for target practice) with new ones because the one’s with bullet holes give off more light.  Gather about 8 cans and paint half of them army green and the other half brown. This will give you a camouflage glow over the dining room table made from the pallets you stole found out back behind The Home Depot.

7.  Last but not least, the bathroom. This is an idea that can be accomplished by adding two items only. 1) Cover the toilet lid with a fuzzy cover; and 2) Do the same with the tank. These two items can be purchased at Walmart and are not sold separately so there’s no need to worry about not matching.

I hope this gives y’all a head start toward obtaining your redneckedness. You’re welcome.

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GK Adams

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  • http://pictimilitude.com Cyndi

    Sounds like quite a few places around here have taken your advice and adopted your policy for enhancing your home decor. Some even have the lovely added touch of those Confederate flags, with bullet holes in them. Oh and a few others have some dog on a chain with a spiky collar. LOL. Yep, das life in Cackalack. ;)

    • http://www.funnylifestories.com GK Adams

      LOL! It’s hard to escape redneck home decor anywhere you go.

  • http://nothingbythebook.com nothingbythebook

    Would not non-matching fuzzies for the toilet be uber-redneck? Just wondering… :)

    • http://www.funnylifestories.com GK Adams

      Yeah, that kind of redneck home decor would fall under the category of sophistication.

  • http://jdeneen.com Julie DeNeen

    ha! I think there was a bit of redneck decor at the place I just vacationed. :)

    • http://www.funnylifestories.com GK Adams

      It tends to go viral!

  • http://themisadventuresofamisplacedalaskan.blogspot.com/ Terrye

    As soon as hubby gets home, I’m starting on my next project…a beer can wind chime. He’ll need, what? a case or two? :) I can see it now…I’ll sell them at craft fairs…I’ll make pennies! I’ll be rich enough to afford to buy plants to put in my outdoor plumbing and spruce up the place! yehaw!

    • http://www.funnylifestories.com GK Adams

      Sell ‘em on Ebay! Use those pennies to advertise yer blog!

  • http://krmorrison777.posterous.com Kathy Ree

    Oh, Gina, I have been waiting for just such a blog! I was at my Dad’s in Northern California (!!!) in December, and I would like to call your redneck neighborhood and raise the ante.

    While there, I had the opportunity to take my life in my hands, er, I mean, take a walk, around the area. This is a large plot of land that is subdivided up into acres, and every one of them has a chain link fence, which doesn’t quite meet at the corners. Tnose gaps are filled by mouths full of long, sharp teeth, usually named Bubba…as in “Bubba, shut up!” This is yelled by a snaggle-toothed yeehaw leaning out of his doorway in various stages of dress or undress. Or sundress–there are some strange people out there. Yards without dogs either have a) goats, b) at least 30 cats, c) chickens by the score, or, d) all of the above. The toilet/windmill/dead flowers/thing–all there. And at least one tarp covering something or other. I thought of you as I walked down these gravel roads. Stay safe–stay out of this neighborhood…

    • http://www.funnylifestories.com GK Adams

      LOL! You’ve hit the nail on the head!

  • http://telegatales.com/wordpress Karla Telega

    My grandpa collected sheds. He’d build a new shed for every project or hobby. And of course, he always used lumber salvaged from some demolition project or other.

    • http://www.funnylifestories.com GK Adams

      I think I have some relatives like that.

  • William Kendall

    Willie Nelson’s eyes follow you whereever you go…

    • http://www.funnylifestories.com GK Adams

      He know’s when you are sleeping. He’s knows when you’re awake. Oh, wait…that’s Santa Claus not Willie Nelson. Sorry.