I’m sorry if y’all came here looking for the next Martha Stewart home decor tips, but this isn’t the proper platform for such nonsense. Since y’all visit often (thank you very much!), y’all came here for one thing: Southern Charm. I haz it and I’m happy to spread it ’round like a bale of hay on the barn floor! Manure is optional.
I know y’all are just clamoring to learn these techniques so that you can put ’em to good use and become rednecks yerselves, so I’ll just cut to the chase.
1. We have to start with the exterior, because that’s what everyone sees first; therefore, packing your visitors with an awe-inspiring punch is key here. As I mentioned in 8 Ways to Surprise Your Redneck Valentine, cars (preferably rusty) resting atop cinder blocks is a great place to start. If you don’t have ’em, get ’em! Run on down to The Home Depot and pick up four of ’em. If you are installing these from scratch (which would seriously be odd for a redneck), it’s unfortunate that the weeds won’t have time to grow around them, but don’t fret because that’ll happen soon enuff.
2. If your chillun’s toys are strewn all over the yard, leave ’em be. This will add additional color and warm the hearts of your guests. They also give the appearance of a, “lived in,” look.
3. Listen up now, ya heah? Landscaping is just as important. I ain’t kiddin’ neither. Make sure you clean the rims of the toilet bowl flower planters that are scattered about the front yard. There’s no need to give off the impression that you live like a pig who’s been wallerin’ in the mud for three days. Wash off a day’s worth of dirt, because two day old mud will be just fine. The below photo is a bad example for two reasons: 1) the toilet bowl is entirely too clean to be an outdoorsy work of art; and, 2) no self-respectin’ redneck would have healthy lookin’ flowers planted in them.
4. A beer can wind chime. This little doohickey can add a soothing musical ambiance to your front porch. These can also be doubled as a door bell. Two birds, one stone…that sorta thing. Why not?
1. Let’s start with the foyer that place where the front door is located. At least one shotgun should be present and propped up against the wall behind the door. It doesn’t have to shoot straight or even shoot at all. We’re just going for that, I’m-a-manly-redneck-and-I-don’t-‘preciate-no-intruders look.
2. As you escort your guests to the living area, some sort of velvet-y art wall hanging should be easily visible. Elvis or John Wayne is okay, but Willie Nelsen would be better. Just get whatever is on sale at the flea market. Here’s what to look for:
Bonus: iffin’ the wall hanging is autographed, it lets those city folk know that you’ve officially arrived!
3. For you unmarried fellers out there, showin’ off your Truck Stop Hotties posters is an added bonus and not only gives the place a lived-in look, but also makes people think that you have a girlie-on-the-side that has added her own feminine touch to the place. Special How-to Tip o’ the Day: All you have to do is use duct tape (or staples) to hang them on the wall.
4. Neon beer signs just scream sophistication.
See what I mean? Don’t get the one’s that advertise that expensive beer neither. Also, if only half of the neon lights are working and the other half buzzes and flickers, the better!
5. As for furniture, stick to designs and colors from the late 60’s or early to mid-70’s. Hues in rust or lime would be best. Matching cushions or throw pillows are optional.
6. Tin can chandeliers. Need I say more? Just replace the cans out back sitting on the fence post (that you use for target practice) with new ones because the one’s with bullet holes give off more light. Gather about 8 cans and paint half of them army green and the other half brown. This will give you a camouflage glow over the dining room table made from the pallets you stole found out back behind The Home Depot.
7. Last but not least, the bathroom. This is an idea that can be accomplished by adding two items only. 1) Cover the toilet lid with a fuzzy cover; and 2) Do the same with the tank. These two items can be purchased at Walmart and are not sold separately so there’s no need to worry about not matching.
I hope this gives y’all a head start toward obtaining your redneckedness. You’re welcome.