This post is a week early, what with Valentine’s Day only six days away, but only because I want to give y’all plenty of time so y’all can run to Walmart and stock up. I’m going to pass along some gift-giving ideas in case you’re confused, so you can surprise your redneck valentine. So, grab a pencil and paper (an old Walmart receipt will do), pull up a chair (or your camouflage recliner) and get ready to take notes:
1. A box of matches.
If yer man likes to be the center of attention, how about getting him his very own box of matches? Why would you do that, you ask? So he can light his own farts, that’s why. Duh.
This will provide hours of uninterrupted entertainment, or until he runs out of matches. Trust me, his redneck friends will thank you. After all, they didn’t nickname him the, “Fire Farter,” for no reason. Also, consider getting the matchbox personalized with his name (don’t forget to use his first and middle name, i.e. Billy Ray) or adding that fine looking NASCAR logo. Don’t get a camouflaged matchbox, because he’ll never be able to find them in the sea of hunting gear that he leaves on the floor next to the hamper.
2. Cookin’ a fancy-schmancy meal.
How about cooking a nice meal for yer southern sweetie? You can even hunt fer your own vittles and skin it yerself. If it’s not hunting season or you’re plum outta bullets, then how about driving up and down the road and fetchin’ some fresh roadkill and throwing it on the grill?
Optional: If the roadkill looks like it’s been there for a while, wait for the swelling to go down and throw on some Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ sauce.
Don’t forget to use that “kewpon” you got hanging on the fridge next to Junior’s school picture.
NOTE: Depending of the size or amount of roadkill you find, economy-sized vats of Sweet Baby Ray’s can be found.
3. Duct tape.
This should be self-explanatory, but you know what? It does fix just about everything. Your raunchy redneck will tuck you under his arm and squeeze you tight, especially after you send out signals that he can bring it to the boudoir. Maybe you can act out out some of those scenes from that paperback called 50 Shades of Redneck that you got half price at the Dollar Store.
4. How about a confederate flag blankie?
It’s still February, so nighttime can be quite chilly. Just grab your redneck romeo, and get to snugglin’. For extra warmth, don’t shave your legs.
If you’re worried about your chillun’s interruptin’ your lovin’, just pull out the redneck babysitter (see Duct Tape above) and forget all about it. See instructions here:
5. Cinder blocks.
Every redneck needs ’em. The ol’ General Lee-replica has been outside there propped up for a while and the old blocks are crumbling, so it might be time fer some new ones. Ignore the fact that yer honey has been waitin’ fer bigger tires to go on sale and never gets around to gettin’ them. Besides, if you’re a true redneck woman, you don’t really mind that amazing yard art. It’s a homage to yer favorite family TV programmin’: The Dukes of Hazard. In fact, you’ll be namin’ your next youngin’ Bo Duke.
6. Does your redneck lover like to read?
I know it’s not likely, but there have been a few known to pick up a book or two. Hunting magazines don’t count. Outwitting Squirrels would be a great addition to your library bathroom. Your bodacious beau will thank you, because those tiny, hairy bastards can be so elusive and who doesn’t love them some squirrel and dumplings?
7. Shot glass display cabinet.
There ya go! You’ll have a place to show-off those wonderful gifts that Boudreaux and Thibideaux (your honey’s crazy cajun cuzzin’s) sent your biscuit lovin’ baby for his birthday. But, you don’t have to tell anyone that people sent them to you. Lordy, no! Just say you actually went on vacation. Tell them some place exotic too, not that you just went to the rodeo in the next county over. Be creative!
8. Sexy Lingerie.
For you fellers out there, how about gettin’ yer beautimous babe some sexy lingerie? You don’t even have to spend any money. Just go over to your bureau, pick out a pair of your tighty-whities (preferably the one’s without streak marks) and cut out the crotch. She can slip it over her head, and voila! Sexy lingerie. Don’t worry about stealing the Victoria’s Secret trademark, neither. That store’s got nuthin’ on you and yer ingenuity! See photo for example:
However, if you feel like gettin’ creative (or are unable to find a pair somewhat clean-ish unnywears) and want to seem extra thoughtful, then a trip to Walmart might be necessary to pick out some different one’s. Just don’t flirt with the gal wearin’ frosted lipstick that’s workin’ the register. I know, I know, I know…when you flash that toothless grin, women swoon, but try to contain yerself. It’s Valentine’s Day, for cryin’ out loud!
Don’t have a valentine?
For those of you who do not have your very own redneck lover, then jump in your Camaro and pop in the 8-track of Billy Ray Cyrus’ Achy Breaky Heart.
Just don’t let the vision’s of Billy Ray’s mullet make you too reminiscent of the time you finally got it cut off. Last week. (Don’t fret, I tell ya, It’ll grow back out).
So that’s it y’all! If you find yerself caught up in a bind like a mess o’ catfish, I hope this helps!
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