8 Ways to Surprise Your Redneck Valentine

This post is a week early, what with Valentine’s Day only six days away, but only because I want to give y’all plenty of time so y’all can run to Walmart and stock up. I’m going to pass along some gift-giving ideas in case you’re confused, so you can surprise your redneck valentine. So, grab a pencil and paper (an old Walmart receipt will do), pull up a chair (or your camouflage recliner) and get ready to take notes:

1. A box of matches.

If yer man likes to be the center of attention, how about getting him his very own box of matches? Why would you do that, you ask? So he can light his own farts, that’s why. Duh.

redneck lighting his farts

This will provide hours of uninterrupted entertainment, or until he runs out of matches. Trust me, his redneck friends will thank you. After all, they didn’t nickname him the, “Fire Farter,” for no reason. Also, consider getting the matchbox personalized with his name (don’t forget to use his first and middle name, i.e. Billy Ray) or adding that fine looking NASCAR logo. Don’t get a camouflaged matchbox, because he’ll never be able to find them in the sea of hunting gear that he leaves on the floor next to the hamper.

2. Cookin’ a fancy-schmancy meal.

How about cooking a nice meal for yer southern sweetie? You can even hunt fer your own vittles and skin it yerself. If it’s not hunting season or you’re plum outta bullets, then how about driving up and down the road and fetchin’ some fresh roadkill and throwing it on the grill?

Optional: If the roadkill looks like it’s been there for a while, wait for the swelling to go down and throw on some Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ sauce.

sweet baby ray's bbq sauce

Don’t forget to use that “kewpon” you got hanging on the fridge next to Junior’s school picture.

NOTE: Depending of the size or amount of roadkill you find, economy-sized vats of Sweet Baby Ray’s can be found. 

3. Duct tape.

duct tape uses

This should be self-explanatory, but you know what? It does fix just about everything. Your raunchy redneck will tuck you under his arm and squeeze you tight, especially after you send out signals that he can bring it to the boudoir. Maybe you can act out out some of those scenes from that paperback called 50 Shades of Redneck that you got half price at the Dollar Store.

4. How about a confederate flag blankie?

confederate flag blanket

It’s still February, so nighttime can be quite chilly. Just grab your redneck romeo, and get to snugglin’. For extra warmth, don’t shave your legs.

If you’re worried about your chillun’s interruptin’ your lovin’, just pull out the redneck babysitter (see Duct Tape above) and forget all about it. See instructions here:

redneck babysitter duct tape

 

5. Cinder blocks.

cinder block

Every redneck needs ‘em. The ol’ General Lee-replica has been outside there propped up for a while and the old blocks are crumbling, so it might be time fer some new ones. Ignore the fact that yer honey has been waitin’ fer bigger tires to go on sale and never gets around to gettin’ them. Besides, if you’re a true redneck woman, you don’t really mind that amazing yard art. It’s a homage to yer favorite family TV programmin’: The Dukes of Hazard. In fact, you’ll be namin’ your next youngin’ Bo Duke.

6. Does your redneck lover like to read?

outwitting squirrels book

This is a real book! No shit, y’all.

I know it’s not likely, but there have been a few known to pick up a book or two. Hunting magazines don’t count. Outwitting Squirrels would be a great addition to your library bathroom. Your bodacious beau will thank you, because those tiny, hairy bastards can be so elusive and who doesn’t love them some squirrel and dumplings?

7. Shot glass display cabinet.

shot glass display cabinet

There ya go! You’ll have a place to show-off those wonderful gifts that Boudreaux and Thibideaux (your honey’s crazy cajun cuzzin’s) sent your biscuit lovin’ baby for his birthday. But, you don’t have to tell anyone that people sent them to you. Lordy, no! Just say you actually went on vacation. Tell them some place exotic too, not that you just went to the rodeo in the next county over. Be creative!

8. Sexy Lingerie.

For you fellers out there, how about gettin’ yer beautimous babe some sexy lingerie? You don’t even have to spend any money. Just go over to your bureau, pick out a pair of your tighty-whities (preferably the one’s without streak marks) and cut out the crotch. She can slip it over her head, and voila! Sexy lingerie. Don’t worry about stealing the Victoria’s Secret trademark, neither. That store’s got nuthin’ on you and yer ingenuity! See photo for example:

redneck lingerie

However, if you feel like gettin’ creative (or are unable to find a pair somewhat clean-ish unnywears) and want to seem extra thoughtful, then a trip to Walmart might be necessary to pick out some different one’s. Just don’t flirt with the gal wearin’ frosted lipstick that’s workin’ the register. I know, I know, I know…when you flash that toothless grin, women swoon, but try to contain yerself. It’s Valentine’s Day, for cryin’ out loud!

Don’t have a valentine?

For those of you who do not have your very own redneck lover, then jump in your Camaro and pop in the 8-track of Billy Ray Cyrus’ Achy Breaky Heart.

billy ray cyrus mullet

Just don’t let the vision’s of Billy Ray’s mullet make you too reminiscent of the time you finally got it cut off. Last week. (Don’t fret, I tell ya, It’ll grow back out).

So that’s it y’all! If you find yerself caught up in a bind like a mess o’ catfish, I hope this helps!

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GK Adams

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  • http://summat2thinkon.blogspot.co.uk Considerer

    Wow! These are awesome! Especially the underpants top. How on earth did you come up with them?

    • http://www.funnylifestories.com GK Adams

      I must be a redneck too!

  • http://amylandisman.com Amy

    Hilarious! Thanks for the morning laugh! :)

    • http://www.funnylifestories.com GK Adams

      You’re welcome!

  • http://janinehuldie.com Janine Huldie

    Seriously, too funny, but then again I expect nothing less from you on this topic. Thanks as always for linking up with us!! :)

    • http://www.funnylifestories.com GK Adams

      Glad to participate!

  • http://ohboymom.com Emily

    Those pics were great, especially the baby with the duct tape — yikes! Great link-up!

    • http://www.funnylifestories.com GK Adams

      Thanks, Emily!

  • http://themisadventuresofamisplacedalaskan.blogspot.com/ Terrye

    GF, you dun went and got yer funny back. Yehaw! Loved these and I’m hopin’ an’ prayin’ that my home grown redneck brings me a roll of pink camo duct tape with my case of budlight!

    • http://www.funnylifestories.com GK Adams

      I’m sure he will!

  • http://www.canigetanotherbottleofwhine.com/ Kate Hall

    Wait, I thought it was pronounced kewpon. The underwear lingerie is awesome! Technically, if you’re cutting out the crotch they don’t need to be clean – saves a step. Ha!

    • http://www.funnylifestories.com GK Adams

      It is pronounced kewpon! Didn’t think about the streak marks not needed when the crotch is removed. Although, stench spreads.

  • http://everydaylivingPNW.com Ed

    Nice I need to send this to my family! lol

    • http://www.funnylifestories.com GK Adams

      Send ‘em over! They can print it off and use it as a shopping list.

  • William Kendall

    I started smirking from the start, and by the end I was falling about laughing! Very funny!

    • http://www.funnylifestories.com GK Adams

      It was hard not to laugh when I was writing it. Thanks!

  • http://www.blog.theregularguynyc.com Phil Holtberg

    OMG! This is hysterical! I was laughing all the way through it. Funny!

    • http://www.funnylifestories.com GK Adams

      Thank you!

  • http://www.stephaniesprenger.com Stephanie @ Mommy, for real.

    I was just commenting how much I love this link up, because everyone’s posts are so unpredictable and diverse. As usual, you didn’t disappoint. I laughed out loud at the Confederate blanket, which was of course followed up by the kid duct taped to the wall. I think my favorite was the tighty-whitey lingerie, which caused me to say (out loud) “Oh my God, no!” when I actually figured out the photo. Awesome.

    • http://www.funnylifestories.com GK Adams

      Glad you enjoyed it. Rednecks are a resourceful bunch of critters!

  • http://ramblingsofanundiagnosedmadwoman.blogspot.com Stacy Harris

    This was too funny. That’s it… I know what I am getting my husband for a gift… Duct Tape!

    • http://www.funnylifestories.com GK Adams

      I’m glad I could be of assistance!

  • http://richrumple.blogspot.com Rich Rumple

    Damn, a woman after my own heart! Yeee – Hawww! I got sum Sweet Baby Ray’s in the icebox right now, jes waitin’ on the little woman ta cook ‘em when she gits off ov werk at tha sewing factory! I’m pertinert gittin’ ready ta fixin’ ta do sumthin about her stove, but I figure it’s good fer another day er two of cookin’ before I need to fix a vent in the kitchen fer the charcoal grill! I think I’m gonna try lightin’ the grill with a lit fart this time en see iffin’ the fluid will ketch quicker! Funny, Funny, Funny … and so true! lol Great post, Gina!

    • http://www.funnylifestories.com GK Adams

      LOL! Thanks!

  • http://www.findingninee.com Kristi – Finding Ninee

    OMG the baby duct taped to the wall is hilarious! So funny! And that tank top made from underwear? CLASSIC. :)

    • http://www.funnylifestories.com GK Adams

      Glad you stopped by, Kristi. Rednecks can do anything!

  • http://pictimilitude.com Cyndi

    Haha. Very clever. The tightey whitey lingerie was priceless, lol. Without streak marks – even better. HAHA.

    • http://www.funnylifestories.com GK Adams

      Thank you. Strangely, this was an easy post for me to do. I wonder why?